Cafes, charisma and catastrophes

In a true sense of going from the sublime to the ridiculous, coming home is indeed a bittersweet experience. Our true sense of home lives within ourselves and by staying true to this, it doesn't matter in a geographical sense, how far away we venture from this. And it isn't always sunshine and lollypops, so to speak. My nan was in many ways a second mother to me. As my parents would bicker over the cost of bread, her kindness would soften the blow of the thunderstorms that took place after dark. As a little girl, even as a big girl, she means the world to me. When she left, leaving me with my first experience of grief, she left many a wonderful mark for the path I would take through life. She reminded me to be strong in the face of adversity and to be true, to come back home.
Her sense of devotion to those around her never left her, though I'm sure at times that her sense of joy did. It is true that ignorance is bliss, as it cut me to hear that she was a victim of the slings and arrows that would come from her husband. I sit right now in a cafe about to take a dance class, knowing that the only slings and arrows that await me are the ones I will throw at myself.
And a while ago, I would have done just that - criticised my lack of this or my inability for that. Really..it's a class, lighten up :) Note to self! And truth be told, life is too short for that garbage, hey nan! She never lost her charisma even in the catastrophic situation that she was in the midst of.
And what's more, I've got the choice to believe in amazing, unconditional and true love. Which I do. It's what I think of when I dance ad what I dream about when I write. True love does exist, free of slings and arrows. That's what I have been reminded of, to be open to the beauty around you. The smile from the bricklayer next door, the purr of a cat on your lap, the hug that is inherent in a home cooked meal.
A second cousin of mine was commenting recently on the discipline inherent in yoga. And at times I do wonder if I'm bucking the system so to speak..drinking wine, eating the odd steak. But at the basis of yoga to me is simply union. It's about integrating the darkness that will shadow all of our lives at some point, so that we can embrace with both hands the joy that awaits.
And that's something worth dancing for..

Smelly socks

Letting go of the warm furry socks of winter can be a daunting thing. Spring time invites us to clean out the cupboard of the dust and debris that has built up over the past few months. And for me that means revisiting and re - evaluating my passions and pastimes.
Having now officially graduated from Yoga Teacher training, a new phase in my personal and professional life is welcomed. But not without a fair dose of procrastination...
I was reminded this morning by an old favourite of mine, Eckhart Tolle, that denial of the present only serves to make life harder for us. And in terms of my writing which I love, I was in denial. I felt I not only didn't need to practice, but that I didn't want to expose myself. As I've mentioned before,  Nikki Gemmel is one of my inspirations. Her writing, as good writing will do, unsettles me and leads me to question where I am.
So as I am writing this, I am setting myself a new intention for my writing from here on in..to invite rather than deny, vulnerablity and spontaneity. Life is so easy to get scared by, like the boogie man we once feared as a little kid. But I have set many dreams for myself that I don't intend on just letting slip through my fingers.
A good friend of mine reminded me that staying at home last night was the best thing for me as I continued to sniffle through our afternoon conversation. I didn't want to admit to being uneasy with letting myself be. A busy me wouldn't have to reflect on my week, taking stock of what has been. And Mother Nature has now stopped me in my tracks. If it wasn't for her, it may have taken me a while to dust off my laptop. Time on my own gives me time to dream my dreams.
And then the doubts creep in..can I do it? Will I succeed? Am I good enough. Well love, you gotta try.
I'm off to Vegas for New Year this year, which is one of my big dreams as I'll be seeing the Grand Canyon and The Joshua Tree while over there, before landing in San Fran for a week. The obstacle for me in this dream...budgeting. My achilles heel over the course of this year in particular, has been number crunching. There are times when I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, the woman who lived in her shoes rather than having a place to call her own. Until Big came along and set her up..and so it goes in Hollywood. I took a u turn from this lifestyle to embark on this path of training and I haven't regretted it. But it has made me look in the mirror on a regular basis. My safety net has simply been my faith..and that takes a great deal of trust. I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded as it has reminded me that really there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we need the challenges to make this even more blissful.
So this has been the first fortnight of not using my credit card as if it were real money. Gossip Girl can wait for another week..
Good things take time and patience. And saying no, well that is going to make that sunrise over the canyon possible. And maybe allow me to buy a new pair of shoes while over there. x