'I could say that I'd always be there for you, but I've got a life ahead of me and I'm only 22...'.Lily Allen summed it up for me tonight. Words for me are funny things, as they often mask what is really going on underneath. A wise man once said that nothing is certain except death and taxes. And what's more funny is how scared we are of death when life can have it's moments of 'get me off the merry go round'. Like right now, when I take comfort in returning to my writing, listening to the rain and eating apricot jam toast as I take a breath
Just over a year ago, I did think I wanted to always be there for someone who I fell for over coffee and conversation at a local cafe. And when that faded for me, things felt like they went from blissful to bitter in seconds.
It's nothing short of a miracle that I ended up finding my new home here, as whatever we need to face in life will be there for us. And I needed to learn honestly and love. Love for myself has led me to leaving the love I had for another. Taking a brutal look in the mirror has led me to realise that there is nothing to fear in being brave. As a little girl, my nan would often bang on about the importance of bravery in the face of bullies. And I still have that with me today, thanks to my amazingly brave nan who herself suffered at the hands of a violent husband. And she kept smiling, along with being an amazing nurturer. I came to realise that I was trying to nurture my partner, while missing the nurturing that I myself so dearly needed. My nan, mum, friends and teachers have all been amazingly brave and strong role models for me. So much so that I realised I needed a soul mate, rather than a wound mate...thankyou to Caroline Myss for this reference.
So with each passing day, I am learning just a little more to not only listen but to trust in my own innate wisdom. He said 'you didn't try to understand me' and I said 'goodbye'. Goodnight dreamers and may we all be strong enough to say goodbye at the right time.
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