Heart that’s pounding…

Heart that’s pounding…

Sally Seltmann sings of ‘…having a shot at the best day of her life’, before it is prematurely ripped from her hands. We all have a shot, in every moment, at the best days of our lives and all too often it is us that prematurely rip them away.

What’s love got to do with it? Nothing and everything. We need love to exist, to have a reason for being and to feel good. And with the bitter, there is the sweet. As the weather gets warmer, I am reminded of the energy of the heart. It gets broken once open, leaving it vulnerable and exposed. So why do we go there time and time again?

In terms of dreamers, we are a bunch of them. ‘To sleep, perchance to dream’ says Will Shakespeare. We all need a heart, even though it can be broken – because it’s a two edged sword. The flipside of love is fear; we can’t have one without the other. Are we vulnerable enough to live within this dichotomy? Essentially vulnerability is all there is – it takes great risk in order for great reward to happen. One of my favourite yoga teachers started one of her courses with the following suggestion: ‘allow your heart to break every day’. And there is a beauty in that, in allowing yourself to fall in love with the smallest things; such as the magic and fragility of a butterfly taking flight. It cares not for who it may run into along the way; it just does its thing.  

And the more we do our thing, the more we grow and experience life. ‘Feeling the love’ is about facing fear on all levels. I was super scared of an ‘it’s a knockout’ (apologies if you didn’t grow up in the eighties) type pool party ride. I’d almost made it back to my car, but then in a heartbeat I pulled out my bikini and a makeshift towel and made for the pool. Thinking of that butterfly I mentioned earlier, I ran for it and yes – stacked it magnificently along the way. And what did I fall into? A beautiful refreshing swimming pool – cue me smiling stupidly as I drove to see a friend for dessert. The fear picture in our heads is always a gazillion times worse than the experience in reality.

And the truth is that we are never alone and the truest truth is that we must love ourselves and grant ourselves the gift of wholeness, in order to have space for others. I had to take this pool party challenge for myself, bikini self-consciousness coupled with fear of falling still didn’t stand in my way. The energetic properties of the heart are communication and strength. Being strong in your own will to say what you need, to listen to your gut – even if it may mean risking rejection.

So, in the words of Roxette, ‘listen to your heart when he’s calling for you’. Many people will cross our path and we all have our crosses to bear, but allow your load to lighten by taking the risk of allowing your heart to break. And in the process, you may just have more than one shot at many ‘best days’ in life.

About a Boy

So there’s this boy – as there often is in our lives, some despised, others desperately doted upon, they are there. The one I am talking of is a stranger that I got chatting to over a wine barrel – sober mind you – at a local café a few days ago.

Since that spontaneous lunch date, this mysterious man has mysteriously appeared in my travels on two other random occasions. Note to you valued readers, this sort of thing is weird as it never usually happens, even though I do live in a small town. Weirder still: on the more recent occasion, I was pulling into my driveway. So he now knows not only where I live, but also met one of my best mates. Laughing out loud as said best friend and I were both like ‘what the?’ Hollywood eat your heart out right.

Life should be nothing if not amazing. And love in all its fumbles and fantasies should never be something that we shroud in fear. When I approached my friends this evening to entertain them with this story, I also posed the question: is it fate or just merely coincidence? Like in any situation, there exists light and dark, black and white. After having had my heart broken, these last few serendipitous occasions have been like a balm for me.

I am on the side of fate in terms of the question that I posed this evening. Magical rather than mathematical is how I choose to view life. So enjoy your crushes and don’t be afraid to let life be magical. 

Homecoming Queen

Where were you yesterday? Now that my heart is wide and free and my lips have room to wonder.

‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ are many things to me, but mostly they are my go to cd when I need a cuddle. Music has that amazing power to lift us to that place where we always belong – home. For me, yesterday, seeing a snap of the Sydney Dance Company literally turned my stomach with homesickness.  Some things are never meant to lay dormant in our hearts for too long. But how do we bridge that gap between meeting our hearts desires and being where we are? If home is where the heart is, can home truly be anywhere?

 Things often don’t turn out as they have done in the past, as our world; just like ourselves, exist in a constant state of change.  The best is yet to come, but we need to slow down and smell the roses.  A god friend of mine used to tell me to change the record, you know the one in your head that tells you to stay safe and do what you have always done.  Changing a record leads to a new beginning, as we come to realise that pearls can only be found if we take the time to open the oyster. By this analogy I mean that stopping and taking stock should be part of life’s little rule book.

There is a new record in every one’s brain…it’s in the act of our wandering eyes, our daydreams and our random smiles for no reason. These all come from a sacred place within us. Why do we let the things we hold sacred slip through our fingers? We deserve so much more than we ever allow for ourselves. Letting a desire take its course is a risk worth taking, whilst holding on to what is true within us. Trust in the madness and uncertainty, shake hands with a stranger.

I revisited the concept of ‘satya’ on the drive to Beechworth today and was reminded of the importance of truth.  If, at the end of the day, we can come home to ourselves, then we are never truly lost. For me, the ballet barre may now be further away, but it’s reality and memories are always firmly at home in my heart.  And other oysters have presented themselves to me – Beechworth being one of them. A town that was born on dreams: the gold rush era. Walking through this town, tasting its honey and breathing in the air of its cobbled streets, I can’t help but be reminded that our ancestors have paved the way for us to dream big.

So, like ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ say so well, let your heart be wide and free. You are home.

Blue Crush

After having spent a weekend in Sydney doing what I love, I am reminded of the little things that grow into the big things we call us. This weekend was about dharma. In layman’s terms, this means our true path in life. At the completion of my short few days, I had mine: ‘I embrace vulnerability’.  Choosing to be an environmentalist and a yoga teacher are two professions that call for vulnerability – they make up the job description whether we like it or not.  So vulnerability to me more than anything means opening ourselves to the world.

Make my life matter, these things matter to me as they both ground me – they ground all of us I believe. The willows in the backyard of my childhood were magical. They mattered to me as they helped me to let go of the unnecessary cruelties that call befall us as we grow up.  They matter to me now even more so than they mattered to me then. I still have the little girl naivety that the planet matters to all people due to its sheer beauty. Walks in nature and swims in the ocean connected me back to me.

 I was reminded of the importance of living from love, rather than fear. With love, we can do many things, but the opposite is true when it comes to fear. It’s scary leaving behind what we know, especially when the destination is unclear. Risks are scary, but a pre requisite for rewards.  The scariest thing is to not do anything in the face of fear. Prime example being going for what we want in life, we hold the reigns.  And the funny thing is we often get what we ask for.

Yoga, like a tree, is all about foundations. The air we breathe allows us to be who we are. Our foundation comes from mother earth. Our ability to take a balance pose like tree comes from trusting in the earth below to support us. And trust is the key to walking along the yellow brick road of life. Our opportunity to look after both ourselves and our planet is literally on our doorsteps now. Whatever part of the planet matters to you, make your voice heard - -loudly and proudly. I have a big, great blue crush on the ocean. It is my playground, my solace and my inspiration.  For me, it feeds me as a yoga teacher and in turn allows me to give back to my students.

A balanced life requires that we play. Just because we grow into adults does not mean that we should throw our book of fun out the car window. So play in the playground that you cherish. Hold in your heart the joy that this gives you, regardless of the unclear path ahead. Forge forward and fight for your playground, your balance and your joy.

Namaste x  

La Dolce Vita

Spring story

Back story: Fish Out of Water Yoga Retreats

I moved away from coastal Sydney in order to pursue yoga.  To spend two weeks immersed in the lifestyle on the Sunshine Coast, which for me brought about an undiscovered peace.  I would then be living in Albury for longer than I had planned, as is often the case. Taking the fish from her water meant that she had to find other places of bliss, which she did. The King Valley is a little pocket of ‘La Dolce Vita’ due to the influx of Italians that found themselves here. I am not Italian, yet I feel it is part of my heritage – as my mum feels drawn to the area also.  The way that they love, cook and just enjoy life in general.  For me running retreats here is my way of sharing this with others.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. And we all need to be treated. Rather than deserving of this, which suggests we need to earn it, bliss is our birthright. Societally, we do not do this. Rather, we overlook the need to nurture ourselves. This coming weekend is focused on the element of wood. This is about patience, new growth and flexibility. We will be doing restorative yoga classes, along with learning some restorative practices. There will also be cannoli making, walks in nature and time for reflection. Si I hope you can join me in celebrating a beautiful spring. Xoxo Bel

He said, she said...

'I could say that I'd always be there for you, but I've got a life ahead of me and I'm only 22...'.Lily Allen summed it up for me tonight. Words for me are funny things, as they often mask what is really going on underneath. A wise man once said that nothing is certain except death and taxes. And what's more funny is how scared we are of death when life can have it's moments of 'get me off the merry go round'. Like right now, when I take comfort in returning to my writing, listening to the rain and eating apricot jam toast as I take a breath
Just over a year ago, I did think I wanted to always be there for someone who I fell for over coffee and conversation at a local cafe. And when that faded for me, things felt like they went from blissful to bitter in seconds.
It's nothing short of a miracle that I ended up finding my new home here, as whatever we need to face in life will be there for us. And I needed to learn honestly and love. Love for myself has led me to leaving the love I had for another. Taking a brutal look in the mirror has led me to realise that there is nothing to fear in being brave. As a little girl, my nan would often bang on about the importance of bravery in the face of bullies. And I still have that with me today, thanks to my amazingly brave nan who herself suffered at the hands of a violent husband. And she kept smiling, along with being an amazing nurturer. I came to realise that I was trying to nurture my partner, while missing the nurturing that I myself so dearly needed. My nan, mum, friends and teachers have all been amazingly brave and strong role models for me. So much so that I realised I needed a soul mate, rather than a wound mate...thankyou to Caroline Myss for this reference.
So with each passing day, I am learning just a little more to not only listen but to trust in my own innate wisdom. He said 'you didn't try to understand me' and I said 'goodbye'. Goodnight dreamers and may we all be strong enough to say goodbye at the right time. 

The cherry on top

Preferably atop a pistachio gelato. But not till next week...clean living this week...for the most part anyway.  As the rain starts to fall outside, it has led me to going within. Laughable but my check in on facebook...yes shameful but true...reminded me of my dance studio's proximity to Balmain. Regrets...those things from the past that every now and then can niggle. In a case of divine timing, this latest regret comes on the back foot of my Nida week. And one of the strongest reminders from last week was to keep moving forward in life. Experiences and opportunities do knock more than once.
What we lose also leads us to gain in other ways. Inspiration in buckets has come my way and being back home has reminded me to 'stay golden'. One of my favourite protagonists, Holden Caulfield, mad as he is, reminds us that there are precious things...that reside in our heart. The heart that is warmed by coming back to Sydney Dance Company and breathing in the black plastic underneath my skin. The fact that, despite three hours of sleep, this is the only place I want to be right now. Because it is gold. It is a moving forward...knowing that this will always be my home, even when I am far from it. A fellow golden soul told me that, even though I may be away from here, it will always be in my heart. And the teacher whose class I am about to attend was also the one who reminded me the importance of stepping away.
The challenge is finding the boogie despite the boundaries.  It's a chance for me to try new styles and to face other fears. Scared to my skin about teaching this year...Drama teaching. Because it questions the foundations at the same time of being amazingly inspiring.
So moving forward by being brave, staying golden by nourishing myself and getting back to my roots regularly.
I'll keep you posted peeps xx

Bananas in Pyjamas

Unfortunately aren't coming down the stairs. Rather, they are attacking me in my sleep. Confused? Welcome to my world. I am currently being sent bananas by a play called 'The Pyjama Girl'. I am assistant directing this with Travis at Hothouse Theatre. And having inspiration ladled upon me as a result. Alongside this inspiration however is a darker shade of grey...the case that this play is built on is actually a true story. So no longer does this little yogi walk leisurely to her car after rehearsals. No, I'm like a crazy woman on a mission.
Fear is a funny thing. Apparently, the flip side of fear is love. That's one way of looking at it. Another is the fact that there is a black component of every white situation in life...a flip side, if you will. So the true story...a woman found burned in a hessian bag on the Howlong Road, just out of Albury. My backyard. Yeah stuff happens all the time I know. But this little doozy of a case has really got me hooked. On innocence lost, madness and things that go bump in the night.

To be continued... 

The Big Apple and Big Love…

Then and now…a picture tells a thousand words but often a book is better than a movie, if you catch my drift..

Insert prologue…I lost my photos that were on my ‘Smart‘ phone recently. Not so smart Bel, not to back up one’s work. We learn the hard way at times.  So it led me to this…typing out some of my travel journal and then combining it with the present day…

‘Blackberry and Bay’ was the perfume I treated myself to on my birthday, from Jo Malone on the Upper East Side. Yes mum, your princess is still living the champagne lifestyle on a beer budget.  Blackberries are seen as both wild and innocent, I love this image…we can be more than one thing, we do not have to and nor were we meant to exist inside the confines of a box.

Sometimes we have to go forward to go back and vice versa. So from now…I’m in a place called Bar 515 sipping and somewhat struggling with a jalapeno margarita. This being my night cap pre walking – wishful thinking maybe – back to my hotel. Today was my uptown girl day. After another lengthy sleep in, I took myself to yoga in uptown New York, near the Met. And so I walked…insert a few lines here to show the restraint required in walking past the plethora of boutiques.

The afternoon was Broadway Dance Center after unsuccessfully trying to find a volunteer gig for Christmas Day. Which it turns out was maybe not meant to be – as I am now off to Brooklyn.  Getting shown around the city with a local - bring it on. As for staying loyal to the sweetheart we leave behind...realising it's a case of also respecting and loving myself enough. I have fallen in love - whatever that means for early on in a relationship. It's the start of something...and I haven't opened the next chapter yet.

Later that evening, New York kept its promise of a white Christmas. Well my birthday and Christmas Eve combined. Officially ticked the biggest box ever. Which brings me to love…

I’ll probably be crushing on Chris Noth until the cows come home…his alter ego John or ‘Big’ as he is affectionately termed by Carrie, is nothing if not complex. You are either a Big or Aidan fan. For me, there was never any competition. The whole diamond in the rough thing he has going on. A couple of days ago, a friend treated me to a girly afternoon of the last episode of season four: ‘I heart New York’. Big leaves for a life change in Napa, but not without leaving a ticket to San Fran and the record containing ‘Moon River’, which they had danced to only moments earlier.  And here’s where the divide comes in. Was he an arse for walking away from his sweetheart or was it more a case of giving her space?

Love is contained in the simple gestures we show towards those we are in love with...a record, slice of pizza, or my favourite – the love letter. Written roughly on a napkin, the back of an old receipt or paper bag – even better. Rough, wavering and wild…being fearless and letting your flaws show. That to me is true love…

Thankyou to the people and places that fill my heart xoxo...I am truly loved :)

Love and other catastrophes...turning life on its head

Note to self...do not do two intense yoga classes on just a banana and a Spanish latte from Urth cafe. Post class I literally inhaled a piece of chocolate cake from said cafe before lunch. Lol...I think the good I did with double yoga was possibly undone by this act. But what I did feel was challenged. Not by the chocolate cake but by the classes. As the sweat dripped onto my mat, all sense of self pride went out the window somewhat.  In the first class, which was literally packed to the rafters; the sense of self confidence overtook any preoccupation with appearance.
Handstand is a pose that has scared the beejesus out of me for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from the fear of falling thing. And today..I did five..in a row, on my own! Excuse the brag moment here, but I definitely gave myself an internal high five. I overcame a fear. And the how..not thinking about it too much, setting a strong foundation and smiling. The gift that yoga is to me lies in the options it creates in overcoming obstacles. And as a teacher, sometimes I can get a bit stuck in terms of my own practice. So my little competitive streak kicks in somewhat when I am sorrounded by fellow yogis. And there is something about doing your yoga thing in a class setting. As a teacher in New York put it to me, you are sharing a moment of intimacy with complete strangers. Which really is liberating if you think about it. You are an unknown and as such, can create yourself anew. So for me that meant taking on a stronger practice, creating a new edge for myself so to speak.
There is a famous saying along the lines of doing something every day that scares you. And when you do, stuff happens. You discover parts of yourself you didn't know you had. And it gives you a new lease on life in terms of perserverance. Jump over one hurdle and then comes another. Hopefuly with some chocolate cake in between.
It is said that love is the flipside of fear. To live from the heart means to feel. And I guess falling is part and parcel of that.
So as I continue to soak up all that this great city of Santa Monica, my hope is that as a global community we can all turn our world upside down once in a while.

Sweet surrender…Ishwara Pranidhana

       

‘If you surrender, you cannot fail’, so spoke the words of Akash…giving me the best insurance policy round. What’s more, the only thing it cost me was my time. Sometimes I think I’m ready until I find myself second guessing my path. But in the next breath, I feel this unbelievable sense of being held, supported and understood.  I often say to my students that ‘the universe is unfolding as it should’. And at times I feel that sense of contradiction both in my teaching and in my understanding.

But the easier I am on myself, the easier the road becomes.  Akash’s daughter Radha sings a beautiful song whose following line I feel sums this up: ‘...It’s gonna take a jump off a cliff with a prayer on your lips and a wide open mind’.  The heart for me sometimes dumbfounds me and at times I don’t want to listen to it. To a certain extent, listening to my heart means running with the wolves so to speak.  She is an unchecked fire, a beast who wishes to remain untamed. Which begs the question, why do we or should we tame ourselves?  Surrender is an act of jumping on the wolf’s back. And funnily enough, it does provide more of a money back guarantee than the book of your past ever will.

The present is a gift so I am told. In earth warrior, the strength of this pose lies in acknowledging the paths that lie both in our past and future; whilst remaining with a strong foundation in the now.  It requires an open heart, as this to me is, excuse the pun, at the heart of the pose. Sting sung about the fortresses we place around our heart.  And there are definitely times when I feel want to run away. From things, people and places that can break my heart.  But the funny thing is that life exists in dichotomies. Black and white, pleasure and pain, fear and love.  Unchecked passion can run amok and I guess for me the balance is found in silence and stillness.  Despite all the promises in the world, we can and will get hurt. It’s sort of a given when we are placed here. It’s the fine print in our acceptance letter so to speak.

Surrender is sweet as it offers us that metaphorical post break up box of chocolates – without the calories. None of us are ever alone. And if we trust, we will receive many proverbial cherries atop our cakes.  And that’s the best fine print of all.

‘I want the fairytale…

‘Impossible’…came the reply from a lovestruck but cynical Richard Gere in the greatest eighties flick ‘Pretty Woman’. And of course we all know that indeed he saw the error of his ways and so went about rectifying previous statement. Cue shortly thereafter a man facing his fear, climbing a staircase and presenting his beloved with a bunch of red roses…

There’s reality and reality. I like to think that it comes down to perspective.  We are taught growing up to dream big and to believe in ourselves. But what if somewhere along the way we stop doing both of these things? I knew from the moment I stepped inside my first dance class for example that it felt like home. Before too long I was practicing my pirouettes on the balcony of my first share house. Fairytales do take faith and, like good theatre, a suspension of disbelief.  My favourite teacher reminded me before she left the sunny shores of Sydney to ‘never lose my drive’. And her words still stay with me to this day. We are the drivers of our lives. Sometimes we let go of the wheel, but hopefully something or someone brings us back home.

For me it’s many things. I love the fact that we get a clean slate with each sunrise. I love that listening to a piece of music can bring me to tears. No matter how many times I hear ‘The Shipping Song’ by Nick Cave, it always melts me. And I love that I can get paid to do what I love…yoga is all of those things. A beautiful piece of music in the background combined with a pose that will shift your perspective and maybe change your life. And fortunately, although at times I feel the opposite to be true, my life has been turned upside down.

This week began with a reminder of the niyama of swadyaya or self study. The more I look sometimes, the more confronting the truth can be. But the weird thing is, the more you trust, the more magic will happen. I’m writing this as a pertinent reminder to myself at the moment.

We are the princes and princesses in our own fairytales, but sometimes trusting in this can feel like coming face to face with the big bad wolf. Let go and dive in…prepare to be dazzled by your dreams rather than disgruntled.