Do not disturb...knowing your boundaries

First day back at the coalface today, so to speak.  And honestly speaking, as inspiring as my words felt yesterday; walking your talk is another thing entirely.  ‘Have a little faith’ were the words that kept coming back to me. As I chatted to my barista this morning, we shared our sentiments of Mondayitis and its trappings.  Call it divine timing, my latest Paulo Coelho book is also on this very subject.  For the protagonist, her passion infiltrated into the workplace and voila...productivity on the increase.

Passion at times takes leave in my case, once paranoia sets in.  At times I revert to a little girl, wanting to hide back under my doona and feel safe.  The responsibility of a ‘career’ feels all too much and I want an easier path. As soon as I write these words I am reminded that ‘an easy life is not a victorious one’.  And the author of these words I know well, Yogananda.  My mum would often say to use to ‘use my brain’ and ‘not waste my talent’. Which I guess is why we take steps in the direction of that double edged sword that offers us both excitement and challenges. I’m so excited to teach Drama and Photography, as they are two great loves. However, it calls me to be responsible and to set boundaries for myself.  It takes for me the challenge of role modelling the behaviour we want from others. For me, playing bad cop is a challenge. I have been asking myself why and the answer that I guess is that good old chestnut that is fear of rejection.   I had a belief for a long time that others were born with a bad cop gene.  Or that I wasn’t as strong as...insert name of colleague. And we are indeed all unique beings, but we can do what is asked of us.

The funny thing is, it comes down to a case of respecting yourself. In order to reach the victory line, we need to set goal posts, so to speak.  And sometimes the way to reach these goals is to ask for what you want...know it and see it before you.  I want my Drama students to know the passion of what it means to be an actor. One of my most inspiring acting teachers in Sydney brought me to tears…that sense of vulnerability. The funny thing is, once you pass through that you truly do feel like the ‘King of the world’.  I love the messiness of life. It reminds me of the haunting feeling I get when I look into a Bill Henson photo. It leaves a mark.

So as I face my next days and the days that will come after, my goal is to make my mark. To leave the world a better place for my actions. And that won’t happen from underneath a doona.

LGB...On the importance of having fun

This acronym is the name of the wine I picked up in Canberra last weekend on the way home. Lake George something…Anyway, the sales pitch given to me prior to purchase was a question. Do you like fun? And from there on in, I felt like my guard had dropped.  This was clearly a man who loved both his job and his product. And that makes for a pretty convincing sales man.

I think I must have needed reminding of the fun component of life as I waded through the long drive from Jervis Bay to Wodonga – admittedly with an added detour through the Canberra wineries.  As you do and as I almost didn’t.  Part of the reason I took a tree change from Sydney was that on many levels I needed to lighten up. That and be open to what life has to offer. And this can at times be a hairy one, as again it comes down to a question of balance.  We have our responsibilities in life, both to ourselves and to others.  I raised an internal eyebrow at myself many a time as I packed my car and moved away. But if you don’t pose a question, you never get an answer.  And new opportunities come to enrich and challenge you.

This week sees me returning somewhat to a role not dissimilar to the one I had in Sydney. I’d like to think but that I will now approach my role with a new found sense of lightness. Working with young people in particular give us the ultimate opportunity to let our guard down.  And there is responsibility with that. I guess it’s somewhat like being a mother… you want to pass on essential life skills and role model positive behaviour patterns. But don’t underestimate the power and potential of youth.  I’ve learnt so much from my students and the best lessons I’ve ever had are the ones that have been co-directed. So as I sit planning my lessons, rather than re-visiting old fears and hang ups, I’m taking in the joy of the material before me and picturing greatness rather than glibness.

The mind is a pretty powerful thing. I have yoga to thank on so many levels for allowing me to use my mind in a more effective way. The simple act of choosing a positive thought, of transforming a negative behaviour pattern into a constructive one.  A sentiment comes to me in times of hardship…’be the change you wish to see in the world’. I’ve lost the author of this beautiful statement, whose words never fail to ring true. I want to teach because I want to continue to learn.

And making mistakes goes hand in hand with this. To quote Fiona Apple ‘I’ve acquired quite a taste for a well made mistake’.  Fear of failure keeps greatness at bay. Often the fear in our heads is much worse than anything life can throw at us.

My teacher in Queensland speaks about joy levels and the importance of these.  Her great quote ‘don’t be so serious of course you can be silly’ and vice versa reminds me of the middle ground.  Of allowing joy in, especially amidst the seriousness.  Isn’t a yoga fart the ultimate example of this?

Previously engaged…is there such a thing as detachment?

Yesterday writing came easy, it was like someone had turned on a tap inside of me and it just flowed. Whereas today, despite the weather making me want to venture to my laptop with a cuppa; that same sense of freedom wasn’t there. Which led me to wonder about attachment, of wanting and or expecting things to be a certain way.  I read my first meditation lesson yesterday, which was on this very subject. Life is really merely a game, a chance for us to play our part without literally being drawn into the drama that life can create at times.

This particularly lesson was reminding me of the importance of staying neutral and to merely observe.  To get caught up in emotional turmoil will lead to suffering.  I’d always viewed my emotions as a barometer of sorts, a way of checking in.  People will say and do things that will cause me to react. But the times that I have made the best decisions are those where I have pressed pause momentarily.  And the universe often does send us lessons in the form of experiences, relationships and situations.

In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna tells Arjuna to ‘be a yogi’.  The translation of this being to act like a warrior.  How we receive the arrows of life, so to speak, defines us.  And the most challenging lessons will test us, once we face them.

As a woman, I’m going to play the premenstrual card here somewhat. Picture if you will…’The Five Year Engagement’, a meat pie, dark scorched almonds and a box of tissues. That pretty much sums up my evening last night.  Comfort food...kind of ironic, as I was writing about this very thing yesterday, and chick flick. As said chick flick was set in San Fran, this had the tears flowing from an early and unexpected point in the film. Love the bay area…cue daydreaming of holiday at the end of the year. Anyways, I digress, the heart strings were tugged and the tears flowed. I do believe tears to be a cathartic thing. I think what Arjuna’s message to us is how we react to them.

Do we let tears, experiences and relationships unfold before us or do we get tied up, caught up and trapped by the meanings we place on them? Emotions are indeed a healthy thing and expressing what we feel does indeed allow us to move through things. Wanting to stay in the one place, whether it be emotionally or physically, will in the end have us riding a not-so-merry go round. A great motivational speaker once reminded me that  ‘ we are all born with potential, we aren’t meant to die with it’.

As I listen to the rain now pouring down outside, I feel hugely grateful for my warm place, laptop and cup of tea. Something as simple as the rainfall can make or break us. I wanted to go the wineries today, but I listened to nature and the thought of driving through the rain elicited a decisive no. Again I’m reminded of and grateful for simplicity. For the opportunity to cook, create and be. We are indeed all where we need to be. And indeed we are all in this world for our own reasons.

So as your universe unfolds before you just as it should,  don’t take it too seriously and remember simplicity.

Knowing me, knowing you...The cold comfort of comfort zones

I spent yesterday in the King Valley, a truly beautiful place just an hour from where I live. After a good friend recommended I try Brown Brothers for lunch, I decided to do just that.  A short drive and a sing-along to Angus and Julia Stone had me arrive at my destination under my own steam. Over a tasting of prosecco at Sam Miranda, the sales girl there gave me a high five for my free spirited love of life and yearning to travel. Smiling from the bubbles and the sunshine, I felt pretty chuffed, lolling in the warmth of the self satisfaction that can come from a sense of independence.

What I didn’t realise was that my lunch would be accompanied by matching wines. Not that this is ever a bad thing, except in the case of yours truly being the designated driver. The last time that I was in this area, I had a man at my side to play this role. And to add insult to injury somewhat, a couple on the grass in front of me were newly engaged, with a princess cut white gold ring to show for it. And don’t get me wrong, it made me smile from ear to ear, proof yet again of the hopeless romantic that I am. But it did serve to make me aware that yes, my resistance to alcohol had lowered over an extended period of sobriety, making me take responsibility for myself.

And amen to that. I couldn’t and wouldn’t sit behind the wheel with the windows lowered, hoping that this would fast track sobriety.  But rather I would walk, have some caffeine, sunshine and Paulo Coelho. Responsibility is a funny thing, in the end, we only have ourselves to answer to, whether in a congratulatory or berating manner. Paulo Coelho’s words about love coupled with independence struck a chord. I count ‘The Alchemist’ as one of my favourite books for this very reason.  Love is many a splendid thing, but filling in your holes it is not. The protagonist of this book set off on his own journey, leaving behind the love of his life – realising that indeed the timing was wrong. So being the Juliet, we can either flourish or falter. As we find ourselves amongst the blooming flowers of spring, if we allow nature to be the teacher that it is, coming out of our buds seems to make sense. It’s comfortable to stay under the doona of winter but…

So is the allure of a text from an old flame. Especially under the heady spell of wine, which so often leads one down Nostalgia Lane. I know this lane well, it often involves donning a pair of rose coloured glasses and submitting oneself to temporary amnesia as to why said relationship broke down.  Nostalgia Lane is an example of an obstacle that can be placed onto our path, most often of our own creation. And if we take action based upon reaction, it in the end this will cause suffering. Flattery is such an egoic boost, but it truly is only fools that rush in on this one.  In the end, it is not fair to either party, unless of course, the recipient’s feelings have changed.

We live in a Tiffany culture, where the comfort of coupledom is served to us in black and white, often in the rain, out the front of the famous jeweller’s shopfront in New York.  I have this advertisement on my wall because I love it, both the allure of the image and the inherent beauty of the photograph itself. And as I was saying yesterday, to be able to look at something from a distance often makes the experience a richer one.

I used half a roll of film up yesterday on capturing images from one of my favourite spots in Beechworth. With each shot, imagining the possible lives taking place behind the pictures.  And this is the same for me as the Tiffany ad, in it I see an independent and self-assured woman. One who chooses to aspire to all that is possible for her, rather than to respond to an old life whose promises lie empty and cold.  

Gossip gloss…embracing our shadow self

I will share with you a guilty pleasure of mine…I have been addicted to the latest season of Gossip Girl the past few days. A bad chest infection will do that to you, resign you to the couch. This is actually a nice thing to be resigned to every now and then. What’s more, a bit of a novelty. Rest is essential for all people. In the western world, we are far from allowing ourselves enough of it. One of my favourite yoga positions is Donna Farhi’s constructive rest and one I often give out for homework to my students. Being still isn’t easy to be seduced by, but with practice it becomes as seductive as seeing Chuck Bass J

So rest and trash do go hand In hand I’m told. I recall many a time when I would open my NW only to receive scornful eyes from those around me. Someone’s trash is another’s treasure. However, gloss is simply that. A shiny exterior used to hold something in and often keep something out.  In the case of NW it is to make the gossip and the lifestyle contained within its pages appear to be a certain way, to attract the naïve and impressionable. But to be able to take a step back, having a sense of detachment, you can begin to see it for what it truly is. And what’s more, to enjoy it even more.  

Life is about balance. I was telling my students this morning to integrate and even embrace all parts of themselves, rather than wishing to sweep any of these under the carpet.  Because really what we see as ugly in another is often an aspect of ourselves merely being mirrored back.  So daydreaming about Hollywood lifestyles was something that definitely held a certain allure for me. I feel now that I have been given a gift in being able to step away from that, rather than being drawn into a delusion. I now don’t read NW religiously, but do have a giggle at it as I peruse its pages on a not so regular basis. And as for Gossip Girl, I realised after being intoxicated by it for a few hours yesterday, that it does tend to go in circles at times. There are pearls within it, some great writing and poignant moments.  However, the saccharine nature of it does need to be balanced with something else. For me its planning a trip to the Big Apple for real. Not hoping to adopt a Hollywood lifestyle, but rather to extend myself. Fly into the wintry days of New York, be seduced by breakfast at Tiffany’s whilst remembering who I am. A woman learning to let go, to breathe and be courageous. xoxo to that

Cafes, charisma and catastrophes

In a true sense of going from the sublime to the ridiculous, coming home is indeed a bittersweet experience. Our true sense of home lives within ourselves and by staying true to this, it doesn't matter in a geographical sense, how far away we venture from this. And it isn't always sunshine and lollypops, so to speak. My nan was in many ways a second mother to me. As my parents would bicker over the cost of bread, her kindness would soften the blow of the thunderstorms that took place after dark. As a little girl, even as a big girl, she means the world to me. When she left, leaving me with my first experience of grief, she left many a wonderful mark for the path I would take through life. She reminded me to be strong in the face of adversity and to be true, to come back home.
Her sense of devotion to those around her never left her, though I'm sure at times that her sense of joy did. It is true that ignorance is bliss, as it cut me to hear that she was a victim of the slings and arrows that would come from her husband. I sit right now in a cafe about to take a dance class, knowing that the only slings and arrows that await me are the ones I will throw at myself.
And a while ago, I would have done just that - criticised my lack of this or my inability for that. Really..it's a class, lighten up :) Note to self! And truth be told, life is too short for that garbage, hey nan! She never lost her charisma even in the catastrophic situation that she was in the midst of.
And what's more, I've got the choice to believe in amazing, unconditional and true love. Which I do. It's what I think of when I dance ad what I dream about when I write. True love does exist, free of slings and arrows. That's what I have been reminded of, to be open to the beauty around you. The smile from the bricklayer next door, the purr of a cat on your lap, the hug that is inherent in a home cooked meal.
A second cousin of mine was commenting recently on the discipline inherent in yoga. And at times I do wonder if I'm bucking the system so to speak..drinking wine, eating the odd steak. But at the basis of yoga to me is simply union. It's about integrating the darkness that will shadow all of our lives at some point, so that we can embrace with both hands the joy that awaits.
And that's something worth dancing for..

Smelly socks

Letting go of the warm furry socks of winter can be a daunting thing. Spring time invites us to clean out the cupboard of the dust and debris that has built up over the past few months. And for me that means revisiting and re - evaluating my passions and pastimes.
Having now officially graduated from Yoga Teacher training, a new phase in my personal and professional life is welcomed. But not without a fair dose of procrastination...
I was reminded this morning by an old favourite of mine, Eckhart Tolle, that denial of the present only serves to make life harder for us. And in terms of my writing which I love, I was in denial. I felt I not only didn't need to practice, but that I didn't want to expose myself. As I've mentioned before,  Nikki Gemmel is one of my inspirations. Her writing, as good writing will do, unsettles me and leads me to question where I am.
So as I am writing this, I am setting myself a new intention for my writing from here on in..to invite rather than deny, vulnerablity and spontaneity. Life is so easy to get scared by, like the boogie man we once feared as a little kid. But I have set many dreams for myself that I don't intend on just letting slip through my fingers.
A good friend of mine reminded me that staying at home last night was the best thing for me as I continued to sniffle through our afternoon conversation. I didn't want to admit to being uneasy with letting myself be. A busy me wouldn't have to reflect on my week, taking stock of what has been. And Mother Nature has now stopped me in my tracks. If it wasn't for her, it may have taken me a while to dust off my laptop. Time on my own gives me time to dream my dreams.
And then the doubts creep in..can I do it? Will I succeed? Am I good enough. Well love, you gotta try.
I'm off to Vegas for New Year this year, which is one of my big dreams as I'll be seeing the Grand Canyon and The Joshua Tree while over there, before landing in San Fran for a week. The obstacle for me in this dream...budgeting. My achilles heel over the course of this year in particular, has been number crunching. There are times when I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, the woman who lived in her shoes rather than having a place to call her own. Until Big came along and set her up..and so it goes in Hollywood. I took a u turn from this lifestyle to embark on this path of training and I haven't regretted it. But it has made me look in the mirror on a regular basis. My safety net has simply been my faith..and that takes a great deal of trust. I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded as it has reminded me that really there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we need the challenges to make this even more blissful.
So this has been the first fortnight of not using my credit card as if it were real money. Gossip Girl can wait for another week..
Good things take time and patience. And saying no, well that is going to make that sunrise over the canyon possible. And maybe allow me to buy a new pair of shoes while over there. x