The easiest way to take off a band aid is to rip it to
within an inch of its life, leaving a red mark behind. Delaying it only
prolongs the pain. I choose this analogy to talk about ahimsa – the yogic yama
of non - violence. A yama being an
abstentation, or a refraining. In this case, refraining from violence to
oneself or others. This was the yama
that began my term of yoga yesterday – my Friday morning class where I can and
do relish being a student. And as always,
the teacher appears when the student is ready. That night I went to a fab comedy night with
one of my even fabber friends. Fast forward to conclusion of evening…Walking
back to my car, hit the on switch for my phone and am rudely greeted by an
abusive text. And for the first time I
didn’t even open it. I knew the sender by the number. To open this text would
have been an act of violence towards both myself and inadvertently the sender.
I’ve learnt by experience that to hit ‘ return to sender’ only draws one
further down the rabbit hole of victimhood.
Being cruel to be kind comes to mind when reflecting on this
yama. Non violence may at times feel the
opposite. Catholic upbringing and an all
girls school = being nice means being amenable to all. As I walked through my life I tended to be
walked over, choosing the role of doormat over doer. And when I tried on the
pants of assertiveness, they definitely took a bit of getting used to. People
are fighting so many battles and when we receive abuse from other in whatever
form; it is really about them. To take it personally…well go watch ‘Catfish’ to
see how well that experiment actually turns out. To paraphrase, there is no
happy ending here. Imagine a void of
your former self and you have the picture.
And with ahimsa comes its counterpart, fear. Acting non
violently takes more courage than cowardice. . It harks back to the comfy couch
of comfort zones. It does take two to tango. And for a while my carpet became
quite high from the truths I kept sweeping under there; avoiding the biggest
truth of all – I was sabotaging my self.
I took the title for this blog from the title one of my
favourite choreographer’s dances. The divine Kate Champion, whose work never
fails to make me cry, is a risk taker. Building a carpet around us to fool us
into believing we have the life we want only serves to take us further away
from it. Saying no to all that isn’t
good for you truly allows us to choreograph the most amazing dance ever.
Because it is full of surprises and opportunities, rather than disillusionment and
despair.
So as I hit delete on my phone and drove myself home, there
was definitely fear swirling around…but there was also that sense of freedom
that comes from being a warrior. So there were tears before bedtime. Tears of
relief, grief and hope. Grief from the hole that is left behind when someone
leaves our life. Relief for the self whose reigns I have taken hold of again.
And hope that my strength of self and letting go will in turn set others free.
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